10 items or less: ranking alt colas
monday, june 10, 2024
I’m a Cokehead. I mean Coke lover. I mean Coca-Cola drinker. I drank 2 Cokes a day for much of my childhood and I’m fine, in fact, I’d recommend it to any child. Eventually I made the switch to “water” for “hydration” I guess, but I still enjoy a cold, crispy cola on occasion. The superior cola is, of course, Mexican Coke in the glass bottle. It evokes a hot summer day, green grass, perspiration. Not sponsored, in fact, it’s probably better not give money to Coca-Cola, but there’snoethicalconsumptionundercapitalism and all that. I’ve also experimented with a lot of alternatives to Coke, and with the rise in “healthy” sodas over the past few years, I have some thoughts about those, too. Here’s my ranking of all the non-Coca colas I’ve tried:
#1 Boylan’s Cane Cola
$2.99 – Brooklyn, NY
This is a super classic cola full of real cane sugar, like the aforementioned GOAT Mexican Coke, no gut-health gimmicks or fake sweeteners. A surprising fact about this cola, that I only found out by looking it up on their website, is that one bottle has 100mg of caffeine – that’s 3x more than a 12-oz Coke! While I find that to be a benefit, I do think it’s weird that that’s not disclosed on the bottle? Basically what I’m saying is, bring a 4-pack of these to a kid’s birthday party and see what happens!
#2 Olipop Vintage Cola
$1.99 on sale – Brooklyn, NY
I’m a diet soda hater – I just can’t stand the taste of aspartame, sucralose, etc., all the fake sugars that give you diarrhea. But I am not insusceptible to foods with dubious health claims (not you kombucha, I love you kombucha). If I can find a soda that tastes decent and only has 2g of sugar, I think that’s pretty cool! Olipop’s Vintage Cola has a nice citrusy, vanilla-forward flavor, and has 50mg of caffeine if that’s something you’re looking for. Drink responsibly with Olipop, though – one can has 9g of fiber, these will clean you out.
#3 Poppi Classic Cola
$1.99 on sale – Brooklyn, NY
Coming in right behind Olipop is its competitor, Poppi, who claims to be “bringing soda back.” They’re also currently being sued over their gut health claims, because one can only contains 2g of dietary fiber. I don’t care, if you want more fiber, eat a salad. If you want a low-sugar soda, this is still a tasty choice. This one ranks a bit lower because I wouldn’t describe Poppi’s Classic Cola as a classic flavor, it tastes more like a root beer. Still very crushable, but I’m not a big root beer fan.
#4 Fever-Tree Distillers Cola
$6.99 – Brooklyn, NY
There’s kind of a lot going on on this packaging: “distillers” (whatever that means), “caribbean kola nut,” “rich & spiced,” but for me, not much going on in the bottle. Especially not at just 6oz per bottle. Fever-Tree’s cola has a pretty classic flavor made with real sugar, but it seems like it’s not worth the price if you’re meant to use it as a mixer anyway. Then again, Fever-Tree’s motto is, “We believe that if ¾ of your drink is the mixer, you should mix with the best.” So what do I know!
#5 (Tie) Sunsip Cherry Cola
$2.99 – Brooklyn, NY
#5 (Tie) Brooklyn Cannery Cola Amaretto
$2.99 – Brooklyn, NY
I’m looping these two “healthy” sodas in together, because I have essentially the same critique for both of them. Sunsip is made by the kombucha brand Health-Ade and sweetened with fruit juice, among other stuff. Sunsip makes a tasty maraschino cherry-flavored soda, but any notes of cola are lost on me. Similarly, Brooklyn Cannery’s Cola Amaretto would be great for almond-lovers, but it doesn’t have the citrus-spice notes I’m looking for in a cola. If this was a ginger beer ranking post, Brooklyn Cannery makes a really fresh, spicy ginger beer that I would rank at the top!
#9,999,999 Tiktok “Healthy Coke”
Originally coined by TikToker Amanda Jones’ pilates instructor, the viral “healthy Coke” is a diabolical concoction of LaCroix and balsamic vinegar that promises to taste “exactly like a Coke,” but anyone who thinks it tastes like Coke needs to book an appointment at a long covid clinic ASAP. There’s something wrong with your taste buds. It tastes like LaCroix and balsamic vinegar, no matter what your crunchy almond pilates instructor tries to tell you. Personally, I’m going to continue to enjoy these fluids separately, with some olive oil and baguette.
10 bullet points or less:
i’m done fighting with diet coke stans, what you do to your liver is your business
Coca-Cola Life walked so Olipop could run
one of the best sodas i had in my life was a 32oz gas station fountain coke on a road trip last month
have you ever had a black cow?
if you want to drink a coke, drink the coke.